Now, when I had Mayia and Kayla it had seemed that the rest of our lives were set. But when the marriage failed, there we were on our own and I was struggling to get along. I could hardly keep us above water working as a hostess in a restaurant and living in a one bedroom apt. That's were I was in my life when I met your birthfather. He was a very charming, good looking and hard working man in his early thirties. He had come to America from Europe and made his way up from a bus boy, whom couldn't speak English to owning (in partnership with his brother), The restaurant in which I was employed. I was swept away by him, his dark hair, dark eyes, nice accent, and beautiful smile. We were friends for quit a while but dated only a few times before you were conceived. When I told him I was pregnant he panicked and didn't know how to deal with it. Out of being scared he decided not to deal with it.

So as you can probably gather, when I found out I was pregnant I was at a time in my life were resources were so limited that very often I didn't have enough meet the needs of the children I already had. Being in this position all I could think to do was turn to God. In prayer I asked him many times "why now"? Here I was handed a valuable and precious gift, the gift of life, of an unborn child. But in which I felt inadequately fit to give you all that you needed and deserved, on top of providing for the children I had already been given. My question to God being "why have you given me this gift when there are good people out there ready and waiting for the same gift but finding there lives and there arms to be empty"? My heart went out to those who could not bare children, who may never have the chance to experience the ultimate Joy of having and raising a baby. As you grew inside of me so did the love that I felt for you and the more that love grew the more I became aware that I was not well enough equipped, financially, emotionally, psychologically or even physically to meet the needs of this beautiful new person. For at the time I felt I was already being stretched to the limit meeting the responsibilities of the gifts that I had already been given. I once again turned to God in prayer. I told him; "this child needs and deserves so much more then I can give, why then have you given me a gift that so many other people are prepared for and praying for?" In that prayer I came to feel I was answering my own question. There were people much more prepared for such a gift but for some reason physically unable to conceive. Perhaps you weren't a gift to me. Perhaps this gift of life was not meant for me. Maybe some good people could fulfill my dream for you to have a good life, a full life, and in return in placing you in their care, fulfill there long awaited dream to raise and love such a beautiful child.

Although I feel I have made the right decision I still can't help but go over it a hundred times in my head. "That is", a way that I could keep you, and each time is shattered with reality, the reality that I wouldn't be able to give you the kind of life that I wanted you to have. Sometimes I feel selfish; I feel how could I give this child up. It's so hard, I feel either way like I'm taking something away from you. If I were to keep you, I would be taking away a chance for you to have a normal life, full of security and well being, both a mother and father who I know will love you with all their hearts. Who would have the time and energy to do it to the fullest giving you a complete and secure life. But on the other hand I can't help but feel I might be taking away your ability to feel fully accepted. I fear you'll feel like I rejected you, and I want you to know that that is not at all true. I love you with all my heart, and want you with all my soul. I wish so much that I could give you it all or even as much as is needed. But I can't of yet even do that for Mayia and Kayla and I don't see that-that is going to change soon. Your having a good life is more important to me then the pain it's going to cause me while placing you in the loving and much more capable hands of your new God sent parents.

I will always love you Your Birth Mother Heather